Wednesday, May 30, 2007

How to get tens of thousands of dollars for school in a few easy steps

1. Experiment with every drug under the sun.

2. Chose Methamphetamine as your drug of choice, ride this pony straight into hell.

3. Alienate every single person you ever loved, all the way to your closest relatives. Push them so hard you have a conversation with your parents that basically comes down to, "We don't care any more whether you get clean. Don't contact us any more, we're done, you're on your own."

4. Find yourself in a cop car, having been arrested with enough drugs and paraphanelia to put you away for a long time. In desperation -- try talking to the cop. Explain to him that you recognized him from a few weeks before when he had arrived at your residence to check out whether you were in fact suicidal. Beg him to let the situation slide, as you've been white knuckling it for a week just waiting for a bed to open up at a residential treatment facility and all you need is a little time to get into treatment. In response to his stony silence, ask the cop whether he has any children [he doesn't like this question one bit and tells you so]. Explain to him that if you go down for this, you will never see your son grow up. Divine Providence steps in when the cop decides to throw you in the can for the weekend, but not to press charges. He does, however, explain that if he ever sees you again he will use everything he confiscated that night and anything else he can throw at you to make absolutely sure you never see the light of day again. This is your one chance.

5. Take that chance and attend residential treatment when a bed finally does open up. Figure your shit out, begin recovery.

6. Start a series of jobs at OHSU, starting as a phlebotomist. Apply for and get a job in autopsy so you can "hang out with your dead homies."

7. Become intrigued by the human body, and with forensics. Begin daydreaming of being that person in C.S.I. who solves crimes from the autopsy lab.

8. On the advice of some of the residents at OHSU, begin school in pursuit of a medical degree -- sights set to be a Medical Examiner [requires a degree in Pathology].

9. In the process of all this, become the fantastic father to your son that everyone knew you could be. Become a rock to both The Kid and his mother (you are separated) -- providing stability, love and compassion.

10. Kick ass in school, despite being a single father with two jobs, shooting quickly to an A average. Make crazy friends in your chemistry class and spend way too much time with them. Study til the wee hours of the morning most nights.

11. Apply for a Ford Foundation grant. Wow them at your interview. Receive grant that will pay for the lion's share of the rest of your undergraduate education.

Congratulations Doctor Octagon, I can't imagine a better candidate for that grant. You are a rock star, super hero, and a gentlemen.


Anonymous said...

mr landis,

I love you.

Thanks for every word.


Bpaul said...

Dude, you did all the work I'm just reporting the facts.

*makes secret chemistry group gangsign*

rock on Doc Oc


Tate said...

wow, gratz to you. you deserve the praise.

CtheG said...

holy crap a meth head turned super star.
Love that.

I want to meet that guy someday. We have a few things in common.

Bpaul said...

Your next Portland visit I'll make sure it happens madame.