Monday, April 23, 2007

Utopian bathroom & The Study Group

As I was utilizing the services of a newly-found Utopian Bathroom (read: rarely used & therefore clean) at the Library on campus, I realized -- I haven't introduced the Chemistry Study Group to the blogosphere.

The study group is ravenous. It's maniacal, and it tends to produce A's, or pull F's out of the gutter and transform them into B's. It consists only of pseudonym'd superheroes, no mundane people are present, and no one retains their actual name for long.

You do have to "be made" to be considered a part of The Study Group. "Being Made" normally occurs when you've stuck it out, with a good attitude, through a couple marathon study sessions of over 6 hours, especially when over 1/2 of those hours were after 11:00 PM on a weekday. If you show up with snacks, and wince but don't complain about your nickname -- these are added bonuses.

This list-of-people comes with my usual caveats for lists-of-people: they are in no particular order, and any omissions will be summarily blamed on the little green men who feed on my memories, and all complaints due to said omissions should be lodged against Them.

Doctor Octagon is the ringleader of this little cadre. He's got tons of ink, and many of his features look like someone went after him with a holepunch. He has uncivil amounts of energy and stamina for studying, and is always the guy who says "just one more problem" as opposed to "fuck this, lets get gelato." Doctor Octagon's child is, of course, Squirt. Dr. Octagon is not petite.

Big Chocolate is also not petite. He carries his weight like a Samoan aught to though, like he was born into it. Which -- I guess if you do the math -- he was. Big Chocolate is probably my favorite nickname of the whole group. The fact that it makes this seemingly mild-mannered Christian man wince every time he hears it only adds to its allure. Big chocolate has many super-powers, not the least of which is R & B Vocalist.

Lil' Mike received our first Rap nickname of the group. Lil' Mike is young, handsome, and smart -- but manages, despite these debilitatingly envious traits, to be a helluva nice guy. The only reason I mentioned "petite" in reference to the above two gentlemen, is because we realized at the coffee shop last night, during a study break, that Lil' Mike weighs 1/2 that of either Big Chocolate or Doctor Octagon. A sobering realization. Lil' Mike has wisdom beyond his years, the stomach for our style of humor, and a firecracker of a girlfriend who is quickly approaching "made" status. Lil' Mike gets ribbed for the very possibility that he would ever wear outfits in the style of Lil' Kim. These images cemented his nickname for posterity, it can never change. Lil' Mike with pasties and a white leather g-string is just so wrong that it must exist, somewhere.

Captain America is, well, Captain America. He's also young, smart, and handsome. One way to tell him and Lil' Mike apart is that he's shorn and blonde. He's a bit older and more world-weary than Lil' Mike as well, but still shines like a stallion when he shows up at school wearing his fancy work duds. He's got fast cars and a pretty girlfriend, he vacations in tropical locales and owns a home despite being a bachelor. He's just like so totally Captain America, it's hard to understand til you meet him.

Doctor Teeth is named after the leader of the Muppett Band from the Muppet Show. He doesn't have a big gold tooth, a green felt face, or blaze-orange marabou-feathered hair -- but you know he aught to. He is going into dentistry, which is one of the reasons the name came about. He's smart, prompt, and weird. I mean, we're all weird -- especially yours truly -- but this kid pops off with the most random statements approximately once a week it really makes you wonder if his head is generating this level of surrealism all the time and it only leaks out into his "out loud voice" occasionally. For novelty's sake we must assume this is the case.

We have The Sundance Kid, another youngster. How to say -- The Kid shows up to lecture (when he shows up) inebriated or very giggly quite often. He is spotty about studying or doing homework, and yet despite these behaviors gets just as good a grades as the rest of us. In short, he's a fucker. Recently he made the statement (after relating a story about getting involved in a 3-some after doing a multi-story beer bong from two different porches in his high-rise apartment building) "I'm so glad I got my "partying phase" out of my system while I was young." There is so much WRONG with this statement, we (especially the geezers of the group) can't even begin to digest it. Occasionally, even if The Kid isn't around, Doc Oc will relay the quote and just stare at me (we being the geezers), hang his mouth open incredulously, and just shake his head. "What -- the --- FUCK, dude." The Kid has pulled off some truly marathon study sessions and is, despite his inconsistent study stamina, a made man in the group.

There are more personalities, but in the interest of thrift I think I will keep this as the first list. We have some folks we have lost to the vagaries of scholastic life (Quark), and some folks who have fantastic nicknames and stories who don't need the intensity of our group dynamic to succeed in chemistry class, and therefore (only out of coincidence) haven't been Made yet. Janice (the hippy chick guitar player of the Muppet Band) is an example of this type of person. Her nickname rocks so hard, and she rocks so hard, that she's absolutely in our hearts -- but only by technicality has she not been "made" yet. She's the lone ranger of chemistry study.

We have a Pledge currently working with the group. Her nickname is Smartypants,and she really doesn't like it. There is screaming and gnashing of teeth, some subtle yet incisive "lashing out" when it is used. She's not easy to Coy, which bodes well for her status in the group, she's sweet as all get out and shows up to study groups with not only cookies but PISTACHIOS, which is genius beyond repair. She's on the razor edge of being made as I type this so probably the less said the better.

For now, I will cut off my report there. School calls.

Enjoy your day, and thanks for your support.


ps: My nom-de-studygroup vascillates from El Nombre (since I do most of the naming) and El Professore (since I'm going into teaching).


Trappin Pat said...

Whew… El Blowhard.

Bpaul said...


Trappin' Pat said...

Brandon, I know you are a gentle soul so I had to add to my comment. I meant El Blowhard nickname in the most jokingly, friendly way and it's only commenting on that last post. BTW the nickname I had before Trappin’ Pat was Spine Lord, so I can be a bit blunt.

Bpaul said...

Spine Lord? How the HELL did you garner the nickname Spine Lord LOL.

Do tell (my "bah!" was meant to be comical, no probelmo whatsoevero)

Anonymous said...

Dr. Octagon to El Nombre.....the female member of the muppet band is named Janice....and she's like...far out, maaaan!


Tony said...

So where is this bathroom, I've found the library ones to be the worst on the campus!

Bpaul said...

Thanks Doc, I fixed it.

Tony, I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you.

look for a text message LOL

Shocho said...

Damn, I wish I went to college with superheroes.

Bpaul said...

Shoch... I tell you, it makes things so much easier LOL.

stingite said...

Now we know why he quit WoW. It was so he could save the world one bathroom at a time.


You almost make me want to go back to school again . . . almost. Study groups and friends ftw.

Bpaul said...

The strategy is to concentrate on the up side LOL.